Goals: Part 1

Goal 1. Write something in the next 40 mins. Use it no matter what. That’s not your style you say? Well fuck style just for now so you can produce something, no matter what the quality. Quality is not the point of this exercise after all. No, the point is that something is being made that did not exist before. You are making things that have never been made before. It doesn't matter what happens to these words because you are dedicating your time to giving something you never gave before, opening up things you never could, at least for the next 30 mins or so. (accomplished)

Goal 2. I was watching the skyline disappear this morning as we traveled underground into the tunnel, on a train moving towards the places we all had to be. I wished I could put that moment into a bottle, the picture of the skyline along with how I felt in that instant. i wish i could describe it, exactly as i felt it. the most i can say is that it was a wash of being fine, being a part of something, and dreading being somewhere i wasn't totally committed too. but i realize i am not very committed to anything. i don't try hard enough at commitment but that has always been the problem, i don't try hard enough. if i were going to try and do anything and stick with it, it would need to be something really good, something i could get behind, something i can feel strongly about.

Goal 3. sometimes when i look up into the night sky and see all the stars and the giant white moon shinning down i want to believe in something. i want to believe that astronauts are real and have been there and touched that bright, cold, distant planet. i believe it like everyone else believes it, because i am supposed to, but in my head there is still that possibility that it was made up, that is was a great story to tell to make people feel like we where doing something, getting somewhere, accomplishing things. maybe men did walk on the moon. maybe they did plant a flag there. maybe the Apollo 13 mission really happened, and those men where stuck somewhere between here and there. i can't be faulted for doubting people floating in space because no one can actually prove it, at least not to me because i unfortunately believe by experience and figured out at a very young age that i would never experience the adventure that is space travel.

Goal 4. when i was in college, and on a breaks between semesters , i spent a lot of time in book stores, reading books i couldn't afford because i also couldn't afford to do anything else. sometimes i'd copy passages of these books into a notebook i carried around. and sometimes while reading books on mental illness, i would write down symptoms, so i could reference them later on to assure myself i was not actually suffering from one of the disorders. i can say with some confidence that i was not, and do not currently, suffer from the illnesses i was worried enough about to write down. maybe i have always wanted to open a book and be able to objectively identify my personality as described by a complete stranger. Then maybe i wouldn't feel like i am the only person in the world to not believe that i am alive, and living in a world where it is possible for a man to be standing on the moon while i am speeding underground trying to bottle emotions that i can't describe no matter how hard i try.

Addendum A to Goal 4. (cause i tred so hard and got so far and in(/at) the end, (of 40 mins.), it, (probably), doesn't even matter)