ok, i can do this.
i don't want to, but i can.
at least i am telling myself i can.
and i am probably lying to myself more than i think but,
i can do this, i am going to try at least, cause trying is all i have left.
sorry, i can't do better. but, i am not even going to go there yet cause it still stings, so i will focus on a past farther back than the end of my life cause this is where i begin trying, whatever that even means now.
When I was younger, but not much younger than now, I remember sitting and staring out a window for hours and hours, being content in doing nothing. And I thought that this is what they call a side effect, the unnamed side effect they don't put in the literature. But it's there and it's effecting me, and effecting me for all these years. And maybe this is why you didn't believe in them and why you wanted me to be someone I couldn't be no matter how hard I tried. You weren't wiser than your years and we both probably still think we where right in those moments when we said what we were thinking and I know we were thinking it cause neither of us cared we were just talking a mile a minute without realizing words have consequences and they can hurt your feelings, and that is what got us in trouble; that's what ended it: the talking and feeling. Remember how it really ended? Cause for the life of me I can't recall any details, except for the song playing as I cashed your consequences in and ended it.
After we ran out of steam, and no amount of talking was going to undo what was done, I said goodbye, and played that song for hours and hours, believing every word being sung. Now, when I hear that same song and I'm staring out a car window at 70 miles per hour, I turn off the music, cause I realize the side effects having nothing to do with pills, they're just a result of caring for you but not being able to handle the talking and feeling.
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