more things i said a 21

this is, also, from my cultural journal and upon review, i realized this was a shout out to my late friend r and it is kind of the perfect description of the two of us from that time:

"twenty four hours ago i was in a restaurant sitting near the bar watching drunk people yell back and forth over their own voices. smoke got in my eyes and i closed them when the burning got to much. i never spent time in bars before my friends were all twenty one, now that is where they feel the most secure. all the other people our age are there and we don't even interact with them. but, we are there and they are there. they know we are there. we see them there but no one ever says anything to anyone cause that would make sense. But, instead we ignore each other being to cool or to pretentious to meet the person next to us.
the drinks start to flow and suddenly everyone cant know you quick enough. i do not want to make friends this way, so i watch. i sit with my friend who chain smokes her way through our conversation: enter smoke, enter burning, enter the room spinning; we both act like we are ignoring the busy scene to our right. almost like we are actually focusing on our conversation. we make plans that we wont follow through with but we feel better for making plans. we always feel better making plans. especially when we are in this bar around these people, her smoking those cigarettes, and i drinking the same water with lemon as always. we leave the bar. get in our respective cars. neither intoxicated or tired. drive in opposite direction. the stale smoke rests on my wool sweater like the shitty perfume my grandmother gave me when i was ten. i keep smelling it in my hair. i will smell it the next morning when i wake up and step onto my hardwood floor and walk into the bathroom and see the mascara under my eyes from the night at the bar and the smell will be there and i wont even recognize it because i'll just be used to the scent. i hardly even remember the conversation we had, or the conversations floating around me. i wonder what she smelled in the morning or if she even smells it at all anymore."