things i learned on the Canadian side - original 3/07

It was like, if I sit in this car any longer I am going to suffocate, and I didn't want to die in his car cause that would have been embarrassing. Actually, when the entire situation is embarrassing it doesn't much matter if you are alive or not because how do you go on living knowing that span of your time ever existed?
I think we must have gotten out of the car at that point because i remember walking around and it was dark, except for the Falls lit up like the spectacle they are. We walked right up to the rail and i felt the mist falling on me and i couldn't tell what was mist and which were tears. I had been crying a lot and i wasn't even the one who should be crying cause I was doing all the talking, but now I was covered in the mist and it calmed me down cause Niagara Falls can do that.

I don't remember how we got there or why we went at all. I just recall crying and wanting to get out of the car. But, after the mist and the tears the details have to get fuzzy for everyone involved because becoming uninvolved is so complicated.
[Everyone always has questions for you but you tell the version of the truth that blocks out the sketchy parts and makes you both look mutual; because even though people think they want the sketchy part, you find out later, that people really can't handle it and sometimes they're honest and tell you and sometimes they listen and just stare back because there aren't any words they can offer to your situation. Maybe in the end they don't care about the details, your friends just need to be assured they can remain friends with you both and it won't be weird for anyone. Yet, everyone can feel how weird it is after you all agree to be friends and go out one night to prove it. Then you never do it again cause it was just that weird but no one will admit it and the silence actually feels more natural.]
Now, when I realize how messed up it really was, I feel a little sick and think about what people say, when they talk about regrets. But part of me is OK that it was a thing and that span of moments even happened, cause i have something now, something i never would have gotten unless Niagara rained down on me when i needed it the most.