there is clarity in the morning sun. - Original 5/08

it isn't that everything is all right now, and i can move about in the open without fear, because there is much fear and things are fuzzy, not at all clear. when did this all happen? when did i turn into a person strongly moved. well, i think we know the exact moment but will choose to glaze over it cause it's tough and opens to many doors for questioning and i am not in the mood to answer your questions, i just want to talk about the fear, not it's origin cause that's not productive, lets just focus on the hard part, the part where i'm scared and can't sleep.

i woke up and realized it was only a dream, again, only a dream, and that threw me off for the rest of the day and i couldn't focus or keep my eyes alert. it was as if i hadn't slept, i just went through another day except they were there. they were becoming more and more real with each night, and i kept seeing them, and we did the things we always did and we talked, we talked about the now; we weren't even talking about the then. And it needed to be real because we were in the now and the then wasn't an option. but when i was really awake, staring at the sun, from my bed, and could no longer talk about now, i knew, it wasn't real, it was just a dream.

a couple nights later i have The Dream, the dream i have all the time now, the dream that replays reality, the dream that only talks about then. i've had it so many times it hurts even while i'm asleep but at least when i wake up, i am not confused. tired but not confused. i have the dream, and then i'm awake. And when i put them together, the part about talking about now and the reality, i'm scared and lonely and need you. i need you and can't even figure out why. i can't articulate why cause i don't suspect it as much anymore but i vaguely know it's all connected, that my fear of loss goes back to intimacy and unexpected tragedy and the terrifying idea of only seeing you when i'm
asleep.

so, no, it isn't like everything is ok and i'm now moving about in the open without fear of being shot because i am still separating the dream and the reality and it is terrifying. And you don't understand and you don't pretend to but you do your best for me because you can still sleep and I am so scared but realize how lucky i am to see you when i wake up and know that those dreams aren't us, they're me, and can't touch you.