on coming up with a plan to move forward.

there are certain things i don't talk about. there are certain things no one talks about. i  wonder about these  unsaid things and the reasons it is so hard to speak about them. these are subjects that weigh down more of what is inside of us and when the topics arise your brain has no familiar way of coping with the emotions that come with them.

given some time, you can train these subjects to have a predetermined emotional response but this takes practice and self control and sometimes you don't want to control how you feel, sometimes you need to stop controlling so much and just let it out, and once you have done so maybe you can move forward.

it's complicated the wanting to let go and hold on to the same thing and the best balance is to sometimes do nothing and go about your life as if that thing didn't exist. And if you can forget about it after a while, perhaps it really wasn't that big of a deal in the first place.

but maybe a couple times in your life you get things that never go away, things that won't be forgotten, no matter how much you ignore them, no matter how much you try not to talk about them, they are the things that freeze time. and you start to think you might never be able to address them and they over run parts of your life, parts that you held dear but every time you try and take that part of your life back, the thing is all you can think about. it has won. and really, you let it win, cause like i said, part of you wants to keep it no matter what the toll.

so what i'm trying to say, or what i'm trying to figure out, is a way to talk about the thing that has been holding my writing hostage, so i can move forward and be free but it has to be done right, done in a way that brings clarity as bright as a wash of  blinding light and no doubts will remain that everything is in perfect order and the earth can begin rotating once more. cause as it stands the only indication i have that time may actually still be moving forward is looking in the mirror and seeing how ungracefully i have aged.

Tides

I have been making some changes.
Changes are being made.
Everything changes. So does everyone.

Goals: Part 1

Goal 1. Write something in the next 40 mins. Use it no matter what. That’s not your style you say? Well fuck style just for now so you can produce something, no matter what the quality. Quality is not the point of this exercise after all. No, the point is that something is being made that did not exist before. You are making things that have never been made before. It doesn't matter what happens to these words because you are dedicating your time to giving something you never gave before, opening up things you never could, at least for the next 30 mins or so. (accomplished)

Goal 2. I was watching the skyline disappear this morning as we traveled underground into the tunnel, on a train moving towards the places we all had to be. I wished I could put that moment into a bottle, the picture of the skyline along with how I felt in that instant. i wish i could describe it, exactly as i felt it. the most i can say is that it was a wash of being fine, being a part of something, and dreading being somewhere i wasn't totally committed too. but i realize i am not very committed to anything. i don't try hard enough at commitment but that has always been the problem, i don't try hard enough. if i were going to try and do anything and stick with it, it would need to be something really good, something i could get behind, something i can feel strongly about.

Goal 3. sometimes when i look up into the night sky and see all the stars and the giant white moon shinning down i want to believe in something. i want to believe that astronauts are real and have been there and touched that bright, cold, distant planet. i believe it like everyone else believes it, because i am supposed to, but in my head there is still that possibility that it was made up, that is was a great story to tell to make people feel like we where doing something, getting somewhere, accomplishing things. maybe men did walk on the moon. maybe they did plant a flag there. maybe the Apollo 13 mission really happened, and those men where stuck somewhere between here and there. i can't be faulted for doubting people floating in space because no one can actually prove it, at least not to me because i unfortunately believe by experience and figured out at a very young age that i would never experience the adventure that is space travel.

Goal 4. when i was in college, and on a breaks between semesters , i spent a lot of time in book stores, reading books i couldn't afford because i also couldn't afford to do anything else. sometimes i'd copy passages of these books into a notebook i carried around. and sometimes while reading books on mental illness, i would write down symptoms, so i could reference them later on to assure myself i was not actually suffering from one of the disorders. i can say with some confidence that i was not, and do not currently, suffer from the illnesses i was worried enough about to write down. maybe i have always wanted to open a book and be able to objectively identify my personality as described by a complete stranger. Then maybe i wouldn't feel like i am the only person in the world to not believe that i am alive, and living in a world where it is possible for a man to be standing on the moon while i am speeding underground trying to bottle emotions that i can't describe no matter how hard i try.

Addendum A to Goal 4. (cause i tred so hard and got so far and in(/at) the end, (of 40 mins.), it, (probably), doesn't even matter)

this didn't take up nearly enough of my time.

because i want to look like i am doing things at work i am composing this in an outlook email message. i realize this isn't the smartest idea i have ever had because of the computer being able to remember everything even after i have gotten rid of it and i think that no one will ever know but if they wanted they could and maybe they just don't care enough to look at everything i do, or maybe they have more time than i realize. in any event i am fake working by writing this in outlook.

last night was my first happy hour. how i get to be 27 and never happy hour? i don't know but i thought it was pretty good over all, until this morning when i had a cheap champagne hangover, which you would think i would have learned my lesson by now but apparently i didn't. who knew long island ice teas where so good? i didn't, until yesterday. did i mention i have a hang over? cause i do. also, going grocery shopping after happy hour, maybe not the smartest idea, but greg managed to secretly buy me a cd i asked him for when we where in best buy, that was pretty stellar and i got excited and probably yelled a lot. he also told me he kicked me out of the car for laughing at him while he was trying to park. in my defense i doubt i was laughing about his parking. in his defense, he had just dealt with never ending happy hour, long after the point it should have ceased being happy. i also think i ate wendys, which was probably what i feel grossest about.

had work meeting this morning which i knew was going to be not awes but it ended up even dumber when i learned that we would no longer be having summer hours, we would just be getting one friday off this summer for free. that was a let down. we also had to come up with ideas to make the office fun and there was a lot of potluck/ yoga/ watch tv in the conference room ideas going around, then someone laid down karaoke and i couldn't help but suggest a magician as a total joke. which got way more laughs than it should have.

other awesome things happening at work, aside from me not having enough to do to fill a day. i made my boss a joke, something to amuse her cause she suggested it and it turned into a real life work thing with suggestions and revisions. when i showed it to sue and greg they had all these awesome "i took graphic design/ art in college" suggestions which where mostly jokes involving words i don't know the meaning of. essentially i think it is dumb and the other girl is trying to out creative me by making all these fancy/ ugly revisions to an application we are putting together.[edited- so as not to incriminate myself by talking about others.]. it's whatever.

things happening that are not work related are, vivid dreams involving weird situations, like at the gap with my sister, and other ones where i am talking to greg on the phone while standing in the empty gym of my childhood church. don't know what to contribute the dream pattern to, it is just happening. there is also murder happening in the piazza across the street from me, serious drug related murder which i feel kind of uncomfortable about but not enough to do anything different. t is coming for the 4th to continue our tradition of spending every non- family- mandatory holidays together. probably lots of sophie/ piazza/ maybe art museum/ morning afters to look forward to, as well as laughing so much and annoying greg on accident. kind of forgot about my moms birthday, so i need to rectify that sometimes this weekend. getting out of work at 3 today. thinking about going to the movies/ cleaning my house finally. we will see.

happy birthday america.

lots of talk about the internet and in the end jesus comes back right now

in recent happenings:

i am currently using a wired internet connection which is so 2003 and i kind of hate how our wireless used to work and now it is over being used. actually now that i am typing about it, wired sucks just as much as the wireless. what the hells verizon, how can i get my internets on when you be sucking at the connecting. whatevs.

in other news, i still work where i work. if you google me, that is pretty much all that will come up for me on the world wide web. that and maybe facebook cause internetcognito is how i roll. it would also be funny if people actually google me and go to work website, so i can hear about how hits to our site have "spiked" and the speculation as to why that may be cause we talk about those things, the website hits, in our super forever meetings. and i would think in my heart as if i where telling my fellow workers: yes, kelly k.'s blog is so Internet famous it can actually spike web site stats with the mere mention of another site.

more news still, i am so tired of waiting for my netflicks to buffer and wish that old ladies would stop with email forwards cause they creep me out a bunch and make me wonder about the kind of person who takes the time to make one (i.e. the thing happening at the end of this post).

also, i totally have been avoiding making work friends cause i don't want to get involved with everything that goes along with that, which is pretty bad cause essentially the other organization in our office sets up networking events and they network 24/7 cause it is their job and maybe if i had any aspirations in life i could get into that but right now i am just doing what i do, trying what i try. i need to think of aspiring and get to it.

my current emotional cycle is one day really tired/ hysterical/ crying/ you would almost think i had been drinking combo and then the next day super awake/ eyes wide open at 6am/ i actually have been drinking. guess which day in the cycle i am on now. i will give you a hint it is the one i like. the cycle is really awesome, ask greg about it.

and finally, before i go and not to return for possibly a month or so (these days i am trying to be realistic) i present creepy lord and savior jesus gif:

HE ARRIVED THIS MORNING, WE HAD PRAYER; SPENT SOME TIME JUST TALKING, AND HE HELD ME FOR AWHILE BECAUSE I WAS HAVING A BAD MORNING. THEN, HE WAS ON HIS WAY TO YOUR PLACE.

and here is my "25 things"

so this "25 things" posting is going around like a virus on facebook and various blogs, and for lack of a better thing to do at this moment i suppose i can take part cause, while i am not as good as suara (aka, sue and sara) at making lists, i think i can come up with 25 things to share ( i will still not tell you secrets.)

1. deep down in my heart i know i will be famous one day. i have no plans for how this will come to pass, i just know it will.
2. i actually, have no life plan and frequently feel stressed that i am wasting my life.
3. i don't know how to get involved in things.
4. i was home schooled and think i am better/ worse for it.
5. i seriously could have been a professional roller skater if that was a real life thing. i spent hours roller skating in my driveway when i was a kid and got so good, i could do ice skating jumps in them.
6. i still strongly hate my second boyfriend and think if there is a hell, he belongs there.
7. i started skiing when i was 3 and went to ski school every year. i am technically an expert skier but haven't been skiing since college.
8. i don't believe in math.
9. i don't know what the organization i work for does.
10. one of the worst things i ever did was make my exboyfriend go to his prom with me after we broke up. even worse, i didn't realize how terrible that was until years later and don't blame him for never talking to me again.
11. even though i hate sports, i actually wanted to buy a world championship phillies sweatshirt after they won, because i was genuinely excited that they did it.
12. i was challenged to a fight in college and then accidentally showed up for it, resulting in me being picked up and dropped on the sidewalk. no one got hurt.
13. i want to drive a long distance to work, instead of taking a short train ride, so i can listen to morning edition and all things considered on NPR.
14. i think i get along with sue so well because she is the only person i have met who is as shady as i am.
15. ever since aria died i have lost interest in most everything i used to really like.
16. when i was a child i dove off a doll high chair, into the bath tub because i had been watching diving on the Olympics. it was one of the only times i did a regrettable childhood thing without the prompting of my sister. i didn't get hurt but did learn, years later, at the time i did this my parents where meeting with the insurance adjuster in the dining room.
17. i read people.com on a daily basis and know a lot about celebrity gossip. i originally, started doing this when i worked at cardinal health so i would have something to talk about with the girl in the cube next to me.
18. going to friendlies every week before youth group was the last time i had a regularly scheduled outing with friends.
19. i am the only person i know who developed colitis from having a tooth removed.
20. that party at sue terpins where the homeless guy showed up was the first time i actually liked all the friends i had acquired in my life.
21. a philosophy professor once threw chalk at me during class.
22. aside from my first boyfriend, every other boy i was involved with studied religion, and i have no idea how that happened.
23. i am on a perpetual search for the perfect hand bag.
24. the best trip i ever took was the big masonic adventure. it was the first time i felt really free.
25. i have done a very good job of eliminating stressful people from my life. i decided in college that i only wanted friendships which did not stress me out. if we are still friends, that means you made the cut. congrats.

life lessons learned during the summers of y2k- 2k4

Years ago, (like every summer in college), tara and i devoted our summers to doing two things:

1. watching blockbusters entire selection of Sundance movies
2. temping

the other night i watched Go and it made me remember those summers and wish tara and i could quit reality, temp like there is an end in sight, and watch movies in her parents basement like 21 year olds with no interest in Dempsters. then maybe i wouldn't be so depressed about keeping temping and i wouldn't be bothered by and the fact that i live a million miles from t-dog, who would have watched Go and felt the same weird way about it in the end.

We learned a lot about life during our summers of office work and cinema, ( as did her brother, who declared us "sick" and had "something wrong with us" when walking out of the room 15 minutes into Gummo), and, mostly, those lessons where not lost on our grown up selves. The following is two lists of lessons we learned about movies and temping. (Maybe this will give some back story on my strong aversion to temping. It isn't that i hate temping, i just mildly hate my history of temping.)

Lessons about movies:
lesson 1. having other friends is over rated
lesson 2. gummo has the potential to inspire you to watch movies for an entire summer
lesson 3. never live in a small town
lesson 4. picking movies based on their cover is way more fun in the end
lesson 5. the anniversary party is two or more hours of my life i will never get back
lesson6. when renting a movie tara's brother has recommended, remember that the movie will be about the dangers of drugs or british, sometimes both (i.e. trainspotting, requiem for a dream, fear and loathing in las vegas, the big lebowski, ect.)
lesson 7. doing drugs is bad
lesson 8. watching movies was a better education than our first two years in college
lesson 9. John Cusack will always be our favorite.
lesson 10. we will always talk about that movie where the guy ran bare foot through the corn field in the end, and kick ourselves for not remembering the title, not because we thought the movie was good but because it was just to weird to forget and would have been good to recommend to her brother based on his recommendations to us.

Lessons about temping:
lesson 1. temp agencies have the worst jobs
lesson 2. only the temp agency we worked for had the worst jobs
lesson 3. we were god's chosen children of temping
lesson 4. haiku tunnel
lesson 5. temping is only tolerable because you are going back to college in august
lesson 6. if you have to temp, make sure it's for a man with one arm and his handsome sidekick.
lesson 7. if you don't know anything about overseas shipping and the measurements of shipping containers than tell your temp service to go fuck itself
lesson 8. sometimes a temp agency can turn you into a Carney
lesson 9. being the temp makes you better than the rest of the employees cause you can voluntarily leave and get another job within a week if you hate your assignment
lesson 10. avoid being a temp in real life at all cost (apparently this hasn't worked out for me yet.)